HOW YOUR PHONE CAN IMPACT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Are you always on your phone? Perhaps it’s time to put it down – for the sake of your relationship, if not your sanity

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They take their phone everywhere, from the table to the toilet to the sofa. They check their phone every time it pings and take calls without screening who’s phoning. They’re constantly texting and sending jokes on their phone. They fill breaks in conversation and moments of boredom by scrolling. They constantly post pictures of themselves and their food and drinks while out with others. Even in bed, they focus on their phone instead of their partner. It’s what they reach for first in the morning and put down last before sleeping.

Does this sound like your partner? Or do you recognise these habits in yourself? It’s time to put your phone down and focus on your relationship.

Let’s face it; we’ve all been guilty of paying more attention to our phone than to the person next to us. Technically speaking, that makes you a ‘phubber’ (phone snubber). Or you could be a ‘phubbee’, if you’re the one being ignored by someone more interested in their phone than in you.

Either way, it’s not a good feeling. It could even affect your mental health and ruin your romantic relationship when it is done too frequently.

WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
It’s not the actual smartphone, but its ‘always on’ connectivity that can impact experiences and relationships. A Japanese study has warned of ‘tele-cocooning’, where people mainly deal with others via screens and lose their face-to-face interpersonal skills.

A growing body of research is also showing lower levels of relationship quality and partner trust when cellphones are present. An article in the journal Computers in Human Behavior revealed that when there is a phone present among a group of people, less empathy and concern is shown during face-to-face conversations than when there’s no phone around.

The impact of phubbing will be worse during a romantic date than a casual get-together, and cause feelings of neglect, insignificance and resentment. You may need to reprimand a phubber – best done through a playful text or video message saying: “Hey, I’m here!”

FOCUS ON FAMILY TIME
Too much screen time can be damaging to your relationship, but it can also set the tone for your family life. If you notice your children glued to their devices and paying less interest in social activities, the digital culture in your home may be a contributing factor – they may simply be following your lead.

Start with paying extra attention to your partner and getting your relationship back to a happy place and then, together, you can set healthy limits for your children.

Set times in the day where your children can talk to you without any phones around – this will help build empathy and create safe spaces in which you are emotionally available.

Also make a point of getting out of the house and partaking in physical activity as a family, even if it’s just for a short 10-minute walk every day.

HOW TO BE PRESENT
Writing in Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon suggests analysing your relationship with your phone by creating a table with three columns: Before/During/ After. “Note how you feel before, during and after you scroll through social media – or whatever most commonly grabs your attention on your phone.” Based on what you learn, identify which of the following would help you live with more presence:

• Do one thing at a time, be it talking to someone, watching TV or scrolling through your social media feed. Complete one task before moving on to something else.
• Set an interval for how often you may check your phone. If you check it every 10 minutes, for example, stretch this to 20 minutes, and then longer.
• Don’t use your phone to mindlessly fill in those ‘boring bits’ in daily life. For example, when queuing at the supermarket, taxi rank or in a government office, rather look around, daydream or chat to someone next to you.
• Leave your phone in one central place in your home instead of carrying it around everywhere with you.
• Choose a daily technology ‘end time’, and make sure it’s at least an hour before going to sleep.

If these tips don’t help you or your partner get a grip on phone usage, seek professional help through therapy for social-media addiction or for couples.

6 STEPS TO LESS SCREEN TIME

– Make meals a no-phone zone. Instead, let every family member talk about their day.
– Pack your phone away when you’re out socialising. This goes for you and your children. It will strengthen existing bonds and promote making new friends.
– Use an app to track phone usage (some phones have this as a built-in feature), and set age-appropriate parental blocks for your children.
– Block/uninstall unnecessary, distracting apps.
– Turn off push notifications and sounds.
– Take regular social-media breaks, even if just for an hour at first. Weekends are great to focus on family time.

By: Silke Colquhoun
Photo: Getty/Gallo Images