TIPS TO LOVE YOURSELF BETTER

Many of us have experienced low self-esteem or poor body image. Here's how you can work towards loving yourself better.

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How often have you said or thought these things to yourself: “I’m not pretty enough...” “I’m too skinny/fat/curvy/ flat...” “I’m not good enough...” Perhaps it was when you were a teenager, or a young adult exploring the world, or even as a wiser, older person. You may even have heard someone else say these things to you... and believed them!

How we see ourselves, and how we think other people see us, can have a huge impact on our self-esteem, which could affect our overall mental well-being for years to come.

UNDERSTAND THE TERMS
- Self-esteem: Your sense of self and self-worth; how much you like yourself.
- Body image: Your beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, feelings and behaviours about your body, which can be influenced by internal factors (medical conditions, etc) and external ones (society, culture, etc).

A LITTLE COMPLICATED...
According to the Encyclopedia of Body Image and Human Appearance, “Body image, dissatisfaction and self-esteem are not only issues for young people during puberty and adolescence but are also significant issues for people throughout their life span, although the nature of the concerns may change over time.”

Your self-esteem can differ for different facets of yourself. You might feel confident in your ability to run five kilometres in 30 minutes, giving you high athletic self-esteem. But you might feel less confident in your ability to stir up a basic meal, giving you low life skills self-esteem.

Self-esteem is complex and it can’t be tied down to one single factor, says Gauteng-based counselling psychologist Faith Maluleke. There are various causes and factors that influence self-esteem, as she notes:

• Early negative experiences
Who you grow up around has a lasting impact on who you grow into as an adult. We receive countless comments about our appearance, performance and weight from those closest to us, or we’re bullied at school, university or work. This impacts your feelings about yourself, which can intensify and affect your sense of self, even
in adulthood.

• Stressful life experiences
Short- or long-term traumatic life events such as a breakup, unemployment, being a victim of a crime or financial difficulties can reduce your positive view of yourself. You start feeling as though you are not good enough and don’t ‘deserve’ certain things like a job or love.

• Social media
The content you consume on the internet and social platforms can have a negative impact on how you view yourself and your life.

• Setting unrealistic standards
To achieve success or noteworthy things, we can set unattainable goals for ourselves. While goal-setting is helpful, you need to be realistic about what’s possible. When you fail to achieve goals (even unrealistic ones), it can chip away at your confidence.

• Poor coping skills
Not having effective and healthy coping skills may make you feel as though you have no control over your life, which impacts your self-esteem and belief in your abilities.

• Mental health conditions
Often, low self-esteem is one of the symptoms found in depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), amongst others.

INTERNAL FACTORS
While a low self-esteem is commonly associated with external appearance, people can also be insecure about internal aspects of themselves.

“Individuals who struggle with medical conditions that affect their daily functioning, such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) or diabetes, can develop insecurities when comparing themselves to others. In the same way, if you have a negative perception of your intellectual capabilities (you don’t feel clever enough), it can negatively affect your self-image,” Faith says.

“Individuals are capable of developing a perception of themselves without being influenced by those around them. For example, those with an internal locus of control [people who believe they control the events of their own life, rather than thinking that external forces control them] are more likely to have a higher self-efficacy, contributing to a more positive self-image,” says Faith.

EXTERNAL FACTORS
The environment you are in affects every aspect of your life, whether
it’s the media you consume, the beliefs and culture you were born into (and the new ones you may adopt as an adult), your friends and family, your co-workers or even the types of places you spend time in.

If you have a stressful environment, which could be due to socio-economic factors, family issues or relationship problems, it can affect your sense of self. However, in the Digital Age, there is an even bigger imposter destroying our self-esteem...

“What you are exposed to regularly can influence the trajectory of the relationship you have with yourself, and social media is one of the biggest facilitators of that,” says Faith. “People seek to portray the best version of themselves online, which isn’t always realistic. Being constantly exposed to what is considered the ideal lifestyle or the ideal body/beauty standard is likely to reduce satisfaction with your own life. This results in feelings of inadequacy about how you look and live, reducing your self-esteem.”

Because everyone wants to present themselves as having a perfect life, including the perfect body, career and lifestyle, “perfection becomes an unrealistic but idealised norm which people strive to attain, often becoming distressed and unsatisfied with their lives in the process,” Faith adds.

HOW TO LIFT YOUR SPIRITS
The first step to recovery is admitting you struggle with low self-esteem. “Understanding what contributed to your low self-esteem is the key to effectively dealing with it,” says Faith. “Many people aren’t aware of how certain factors have influenced their self-esteem, so they cannot work through it.”

She says that childhood and adolescent experiences usually play a significant role in how your identity develops and the kind of relationship you will have with yourself in adulthood. Therapy can be a great space to uncover, unpack and work through this.

“Above everything, it is important to remember that your body and your physical appearance only form one part of who you are and should not dominate how you feel about yourself,” she adds.

If you’re ready to make a change in how you view yourself, start with these tips, and remember that becoming more confident takes time and practise.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
While seeing someone living their beach-babe life online (or in real life) can be motivating, it can also lead to comparison. Try to limit exposure to anything that fuels unhealthy comparison. You don’t have to stop using social media, but instead curate your feed to reduce certain content, especially if you’re in
a vulnerable place in your life.

CHALLENGE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
Constantly criticising and having negative thoughts about yourself will eat away at your self-image and enjoyment of life. Remember that thoughts are not facts, and some of the things you think about yourself are unfounded and should not be passively accepted.

USE POSITIVE AFFIRMATION
Saying positive statements about yourself and to yourself more often can help combat negative self-talk and thoughts. Tell yourself you are smart/strong/funny/beautiful... you might just start believing yourself!

SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU TRUST
Who you surround yourself with is very important. You might not be able to avoid the aunt who always comments on your body at family gatherings, but you are mostly in control of who you spend your
time with.

CAN ‘SELF-LOVE’ LAST?
The Body Positivity movement promotes a positive view of all bodies, focused on boosting the self-image of people everywhere rather than placing one physical look on a beauty pedestal. But let’s be honest: loving yourself unconditionally all the time is unrealistic. When you do feel yourself starting to lose your self-love steam, remind yourself of what your beliefs are, confront yourself on how you talk about your body, and do the work in trying to understand what causes your feelings.

By: Saadiqah Schroeder
Photos: Gallo/Getty Images