WHY KIDS DON’T LISTEN THE FIRST TIME AND WHAT YOU CAN DO

There’s nothing seriously wrong with your parenting or your offspring, you might just have to tweak your method. Here’s what some experts recommend.

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Your kid is watching YouTube and you say, “Won't you take your feet off the couch, please?’ Nothing happens. “Take your feet off the couch or I’ll switch off the TV!” And the kid explodes. Feet still on the couch.

Why don’t they listen the first time? Or the second?

THE NEED FOR POWER
Kids have a built-in need for power. Not the absolute power of a dictator, just a feeling that they have some control over their life and their world.

Kids need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to, explains Adele Faber, co-author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

A TEACHING MOMENT
The trick, she says, is turning your instruction into a teaching moment. Instead of, "put that milk in the fridge”, try "milk spoils when it's left outside." This tells the kid "I know that when you have all the information, you'll do the right thing."

Before you even get there, though, take away distractions. Ask them to put down the tablet or pause the game so you can talk to them.

Then see if these tactics by parenting expert and author Amy McCready work for you.



GET ON THEIR LEVEL
Don’t bellow an order from across the room. Get their attention with eye contact. Stand or crouch so they’re looking directly at you. For some, such as children with ADHD, a hand on the shoulder can help with that.

DON’T ASK, TELL
If it’s not negotiable, make sure it sounds that way. “Can you please pick up the toys?” sounds like they have an option to say no. “Please pick up the toys now,” avoids confusion.

TIME IT
Anxious children, especially, need advance warning. “TV off, it’s bedtime,” does not go down well. “In five minutes the TV goes off and it’s bedtime,” works better. Five minutes later you can say “time to turn off and go to bed now.”

KEEP IT SHORT
You can’t rattle off a list of instructions to kids who are very young or have attention problems. They’re bound to miss a step or two. Start with one instruction at a time. Wait until the task is done before giving a new one.

DON’T BE NEGATIVE
If you give a negative command such as “don’t” and “no”, your child has to work out two things. First is what you don’t want them to do and then what you do want them to do instead. Just say do.



SAY YES
Look for reasons to say yes more often. Your child asks if you can go to the park. “Sorry, I’m busy," is negative. “Great idea! Can we do it this afternoon?” is positive (just don’t back out later).

MAKE SURE THEY GET IT
Studies have shown people forget or misunderstand 40 to 80% of what a doctor tells them. That’s why doctors sometimes ask patients to repeat the instructions they got. There’s proof that this method makes a big difference. Ask your child to repeat what he or she heard. This way, you can check that they understood and clear up confusion.

Related article: 8 Tips for single dads

MAKE OBSERVATIONS
If you see a task that’s been left undone, don’t dive in with a big reprimand, just make an OBSERVATION. "'What is your plan for…' is one of my favourite strategies to avoid power struggles,” Amy says. It’s empowering because it says you assume they have a plan – and also gives them time to save face by making one quickly.

GIVE CREDIT
Praise. “Great job cleaning your room right when I asked you to.” Notice when your child is “being good,” and compliment them. Giving positive attention to good behaviour can go a long way, says US paediatrician Edward Gaydos.

Related article: 11 Signs you’re over-parenting and why it’s a bad thing

CONSEQUENCES
Not all consequences have to be bad. Using "when" and “then”, for instance: “'When you’ve finished your homework, you can play computer games’. This works well since you’re still giving your child free will,” says Sarah Chana Radcliffe, author of Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice.

The best consequences are ones that teach a child something. If your kid is late for school because she struggled to get up, make bedtime earlier for a few nights.

The kids refused to put on boots before going out in the rain and come back with cold, wet feet. You don’t have to say anything more: they probably understand now why shoes make sense. These are natural consequences.

Related article: 10 Tips for raising happy, well-rounded children

FAIR WARNING
When there’s going to be discipline, give fair warning. If children know what the consequences will be for breaking a rule, they're making a choice about their behaviour.

Once you’ve repeated your request, explained why and given fair warning, give kids a chance to respond. If they don’t do what you’ve asked, follow through on the consequences.

This may be the hardest part but it’s essential since it shows you mean what you say.

None of this is foolproof or easy. But as most experts say, be consistent, be clear… and pick your battles.

Sources: https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com, https://www.parents.com, https://health.clevelandclinic.org, https://www.verywellfamily.com, https://www.todaysparent.com