WHY IT’S IMPORTANT TO GIVE YOUR TEEN PRIVACY

Your kids are growing up fast and now they want some privacy. But you want to know what they’re up to, so you can protect them. Your new challenge is finding a balance between their needs and yours. Here are some pointers.

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Teens have a huge amount of emotional work to do. They have to find their social place, form their identity, become more independent and make their own decisions. All the while, hormones are messing with their heads. It’s a lot to process, so it makes sense that they want a little alone time and privacy.

GIVING THEM SPACE
Giving teens some space is good for their development. It helps them feel trusted, capable and confident.

Sure, you can go check for dirty laundry in their room – it’s still your house. But you have to accept that the door might be closed to you as well sometimes.

Diaries and journals were private in the old paper-only world. The same goes for phone messages and social media now. You should talk to them about the dangers lurking out there and encourage them to limit their screen time. But checking their phone or browser history is not parenting, it’s an invasion.

It is also important to recognise that wanting more privacy does not necessarily mean your child has something to hide.

HOW PRIVATE IS PRIVATE?
As much as you feel the need to know what's going on in your teen’s life, they have an intense need for privacy and are very sensitive about anything that feels like prying, interfering or doubting. If you don’t respect their feelings, they might become secretive or dishonest to protect themselves against you. That’s not good for the bond between parent and child.

Ask yourself what you need to know and what you don't. You need to know where they’ll be on a Saturday night and how and when they’ll come home. But you don’t need to know what they and their friends talked about at the party and who they danced with.

THEIR DECISIONS
Teens want to see that you value their views and opinions, that you think they can make a meaningful contribution to home life and the world and that you think they’re mature enough to take on responsibilities.

Because their brain is still growing, teens can make snap decisions without thinking about consequences. Your child needs you to stay in touch, so you can guide and support them.

This is called monitoring. It’s not the same now as before. You don’t just walk in to see what they’re doing. Set times when they check in with you. It can be at the dinner table, just after school or sports, before bedtime. Ask how their day went, praise when it’s deserved, suggest options if they mention a problem. Not “do this”, but rather “what if you try to…”



Related article: 101 on teens & their screens

LISTEN WELL
Whenever your child starts a conversation, stop what you’re doing and listen with full attention. Listen – don’t interrupt. This sends the message that you’re interested in what’s going on in their life.

The more you do that, the more they will behave as you’d like. If you don’t trust them to make sound decisions, you’re basically doubting if you raised them right. So you need that combination of faith in your child and a belief that you did your best as a parent.

WHEN TO INTERVENE
Sometimes you have to step in. Reasons include signs of depression, trouble sleeping, unexplained bruises, losing interest in hobbies, becoming withdrawn, no socialising, or possible drug or alcohol abuse.

Try talking about the changes you are seeing. Ask why they no longer want to be in the soccer team or hang out with their best friend. If the response is a shrug or "I don't know," consider having your child talk to a counsellor.

Open, honest communication is vital and can mean the difference between kids experimenting and getting hooked on bad habits. If it gets out of hand, look for professional help without making your teen feel accused, blamed or disrespected.

DISCIPLINE
Grounding, taking away privileges or stopping pocket money won’t make you popular, but might work. Just explain how your teen can regain your trust – for example, by showing you that they can be responsible for certain tasks over a period of time.

Letting your teens know that you still love them even though you’re disappointed in their behaviour will help them bounce back and learn from their mistakes.

If you breach your child’s trust or privacy, take responsibility for it and say sorry. This sets a good example and your child will respect you for admitting you went too far.



PRIVACY 101
Here are some practical privacy tips from raisingchildren.net.au:

DO:
· Knock before going into their room
· Give them space to talk with their friends
· Ask before looking in or getting things out of their school bag
· Check if your child wants you to be there when they see the doctor.
· Discuss privacy with your child and agree on some rules that will obviously change as they get older.
· Talk about situations where you’ll have to cross the boundaries – for example, when you’re really worried that something isn’t right.

Related article: Get your teenager to confide in you

DON’T:
· Listen to their conversations – on the phone or when friends visit
· Look at things in their room or in their drawers
· Connect with them on social media if they don’t want you to
· Call to check on them all the time.

Related article: 5 Mistakes parents make with their teenagers

Remember that privacy rules will change as your children mature. Let them know that you will continue to monitor them because your job is to keep them safe. And be sure that you follow through so they know you will be watching out for them and their best interests.

Finally: if your teen walks into the house, strides to her room, and slams the door, check on her in a little while. She may actually want to talk. Just don't forget to knock. And listen.

Useful links: Visit FAMSA for support and advice in family matters.

Sources: https://raisingchildren.net.au, https://www.verywellfamily.com, https://centerforparentingeducation.org, https://www.familyeducation.com