HOW TO RECOGNISE BULLYING AND TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT IT

Bullying is a challenge faced by many children, but parents and caregivers can learn to recognise the signs of a problem and help the child take action.

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Bullying comes in many forms. It could be calling your child an ugly name, excluding them from the group or stealing money from them. ‘Bullying is not a once-off event, but a targeted and repeated abuse of power with the intention of controlling or harming another person,’ says counselling psychologist Wendy Rens. She explains that bullying can involve verbal, mental, physical or emotional abuse. ‘It often involves more than one type of bullying and normally occurs as a group power dynamic.’

Related article: Telltale signs that your child is being bullied

CYBERBULLYING
Cyberbullying is a particularly vicious form of bullying, as the bully often intends to reach as wide an audience as possible on social media. It can also be more difficult to identify the culprits if they hide behind handles that disguise their identities. There have been numerous cases of teen suicides due to cyber-bullying in recent years, and it’s vital for parents to be aware of the dangers of this form of bullying.

Rens advises parents to monitor their children’s involvement on WhatsApp and all other social media, as well as showing them how to block others and how to keep their accounts private. It’s also critical to have open, age-appropriate discussions with your children about cyberbullying, and make them understand the importance of letting you know if it happens to them.

Some children start bullying because they have been bullied and want to feel powerful.

WHAT EFFECTS DOES BULLYING HAVE?
‘Being bullied affects children’s self-esteem and can leave them deeply resentful and angry,’ says Rens. It may also affect their mood, sleeping and eating habits. ‘Some kids may not want to go to school or may withdraw from doing things they previously enjoyed,’ she says.

WHAT DO TO IF YOUR CHILD IS BULLIED
The important thing to remember is to validate your child’s feelings, and thank them for opening up to you. ‘With pre-teens, an adult usually needs to intervene to end the bullying,’ explains Rens. ‘Contact the adult who is closest to the environment where it is happening – for instance, the child’s teacher.’ If the teacher can’t help, she advises that you then contact the head of department or principal. ‘You could try reaching out to the bully’s parents,’ she says. ‘But in some cases, you may need to remove the child from the environment altogether.’

DID YOU KNOW?
According to research done by the 1000 Women Trust, 57% of children say they have been bullied at some point in school.

Related article: South Africa’s drop-out crisis

CHILD IS THE BULLY?
As difficult as it might be, take responsibility for your child’s bullying, rather than denying it. Rens recommends reflecting on how your family dynamic may be indirectly involved in producing the behaviours that your child is displaying.

‘Some children start bullying because they have been bullied and want to feel powerful, while others may bully pre-emptively, not to be bullied themselves,’ she says.

Next, try to understand what feelings are driving the aggression. Usually a bully is struggling with their own sense of inadequacy, sadness or anxiety. Finally, you need to explain to your child that bullying is not acceptable and there are consequences when one person hurts another.



HOW TO BULLY- PROOF YOUR CHILD
While there’s no sure-fire way to guarantee protecting your child from bullying, there are steps you can take to help them. ‘First, foster positive self-esteem in your child,’ advises Rens. ‘Teach your child good boundaries and how to be assertive.’ Second, explain to your child that bullies want to provoke an emotional response from them. She recommends role playing situations, so that your child can practise their response before it happens.

‘A powerful response to verbal abuse is to simply agree,’ she says. ‘The bully might say, ‘You’re so weird’ and the child can respond, ‘You’re right and I’m proud of it,’ or something deflective like, ‘And your point is?’’ She admits, however, that some children are not able to do this. ‘For them, it’s vitally important that they’re in a positive school environment that teaches social and emotional skills.’

Related article: Is your child hanging with the wrong crowd?

 JET CLUB HELPLINES
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BY KATHERINE GRAHAM