YOUR FAMILY: ARE YOU OR YOUR PARTNER THE DEFAULT PARENT?

It’s natural for a child to see one parent as their primary caregiver, but what happens when one of you becomes the default parent? A default parent is the parent who is usually first in line when it comes to caring for children, child-related responsibilities and home-related tasks.

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It’s common for kids to prefer one parent when they are little, and in most cases it’s the mother, as she will have naturally formed a bond with her child from birth.

It can sting when your child constantly wants your partner to care for them, and conversely, you may be feeling overburdened with responsibility if you are the preferred parent.

Here are tips on how to navigate this tricky territory for parents who find themselves on either side of the fence.

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR PARTNER IS THE DEFAULT PARENT

Try to regulate your emotions
It is normal to feel rejected when your child runs to your partner instead of you, but you need to manage your feelings around this and communicate openly with your partner, rather than taking out your frustration on your child.

Spend more time with your child
The amount of time you spend with your child will influence how they see you and who they turn to when they are feeling bored, frustrated or sad. Split up duties so your child can get used to the idea of parenting being shared. Make time in your day to create special activities that only you two do so that they can start associating them with you.



Come down to their level, but be firm
There will undoubtedly be times when your partner isn’t able to come to your child’s aid. Kids thrive on predictability, and your child might be upset by changes in routine and throw a tantrum because mommy or daddy can't be there like normal. Empathise with them, but explain to them why your partner can’t be there and that you are stepping in.

Reinforce positive self-talk
It’s very easy to become affected by your child’s preference for your partner, but you need to remind yourself that this is simply a stage of their development and that kids do go through natural swings of which parent they prefer.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE THE DEFAULT PARENT

Resist the urge to swoop in
It can be difficult not to jump in all the time, but try to encourage your child’s dependence on your partner. Burnout for default caregivers is very real and if you don’t start making changes in an attempt to balance out parenting duties, you can land up feeling stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted.

Don’t be afraid to hype up your partner
It may sound odd, but bragging about your partner’s strengths to your child will inevitably influence the way they see them. You could point out things that you both do well or you could ask your child to list a few things they love about both of you.

Be aware of hurt feelings
As much as you might feel like you’re carrying the parenting load, you may find your partner is struggling with the nature of their dynamic with your child and is feeling rejected. Put your pride aside and give your partner the space to talk about their feelings. You may just find yourself in their shoes in the future.