DATING FOR SINGLE MAMAS: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW


Three years ago, love was the last thing on the mind of mother-of-two Babalwa Ontjies-Mbela. This working mom was so busy caring for the needs of her daughters that she hadn’t considered the possibility of another relationship. ‘I went through a tough time with my last relationship, which left me broken to the point where I lost my self-esteem and sense of self,’ she recalls. ‘I knew I had to go through a self-healing journey and to forgive myself in order to raise healthy kids.’


Relationship counsellor Mary Ovenstone affirms that you need to be whole before you can trust a romantic partner again. ‘The possibility of rejection can be very scary,’ she adds, ‘but you need to remind yourself that you’ve been through this pain before.’ She says your first priority is to recognise what went wrong in your last relationship. ‘It’s not enough to understand what he did wrong and to blame him. You’re only ready to move on when you understand your role in the failed relationship and take ownership of it.’

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BE OPEN AND FLEXIBLE
As Babalwa learnt, opening yourself up to love is the next important step. Every day when she grabbed a cup of coffee, she ignored the friendly overtures the barista made until one day he asked her out on a date. She initially said no, but then her friends encouraged her to change her mind. ‘In the beginning, he struggled with the wall I’d built around myself for protection,’ she admits. But over time she was slowly able to let her guard down. Mary agrees that many single moms don’t find love because they’re not open to it. She says you need to give yourself permission to have a social life and to be open to love again. ‘Don’t feel guilty about going out and having fun as long as your kids are secure and know how much they matter to you.’

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DON’T SET YOUR STANDARDS TOO HIGH
‘If you’re holding onto the idea that Mr Perfect is going to walk into your life, you’re going to encounter difficulties,’ Mary says. ‘I call this pricing yourself out of the market because you have unrealistic expectations.’ She recommends rather looking for someone who can be a suitable partner and your intellectual equal. Be realistic but not desperate. ‘Don’t just settle for anyone,’ she warns.



WAIT BEFORE YOU INTRODUCE HIM TO YOUR KIDS
If you find love, be careful about introducing your new partner to your children. ‘If you’re not serious, rather introduce him as a friend to your kids and be very casual about it,’ advises Mary. ‘Kids can bond easily with your partner, particularly if they’re missing their father.’ Before including a new partner in family celebrations and holidays, make sure there’s a level of commitment from them. ‘What you don’t want is for your child to bond with your partner, and then you break up,’ says Mary. Babalwa, who is now happily married to her barista husband, agrees that you should proceed with caution for the sake of your kids.

WHAT DO OTHER SINGLE MOMS HAVE TO SAY?
Actress and host of the hit TV show Single Parents Looking for Love Jo-Anne Reyneke, who divorced Generations star Thami Mngqolo in 2021, says that being a mother changes things. ‘Before kids, you don’t really care who you date. It’s easy to invite a guy to your house. But, once kids are involved, everything changes.’ Actress and model Pearl Thusi is a mother of two girls. She admits that being a single mom can be tough, especially on her birthday and Mother’s Day. But she says she’s still open to romance. ‘There’s nothing quite like finding someone you genuinely love and that person feeling just the same about you.’

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DATING FOR SINGLE MAMAS: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW DATING FOR SINGLE MAMAS: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW Reviewed by Michelle Pienaar on May 06, 2022 Rating: 5
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